If someone would take the work of reading this blog, it would notice my vicious cycle of thoughts and feelings.  It seems that I cannot get tired to tell myself how he is not for me, how he never loved me, and how he does not care about your feelings. Now he goes again, we another person, listening aloud the audios, why does he does that?  He was listening to them with his headphones but why he needs to do it aloud.  Is he looking for a reaction from me? Did he get affected when I told him that I was going to date again?  If he does not tell me anything, it is not because he is a coward, it is just because I have never meant anything meaningful to him.  He can behave in a very controlled manner with me, I am not attractive enough to him, why don’t you get tired of him telling you how he loved other people but he didn’t love you when he was younger?

Why do you expect it would change?  It just a sign of your loneliness when you tried to hold into things that cannot happen.  Continue seeing him as a roommate or a friend that you want to spend time with and help him.  Don’t let your mind run wild…it is way too crazy, it goes to the point of thinking again that he may be the want, the one you would marry, the one who would become that person that you have been longing during your entire life.

Would it ever happen?  Would you actually find love? or it is your fate, just to be alone and deal with superficial relationships. I want to feel loved and love back, one more time that makes consider want to be with that person for the rest of my life.  Ideally, I would like that dream to come true with all my heart, but if the circumstances do not appear, I would like at least, to have it for some years, experience it, get married and believe it in at least temporarily.

I am feeling very pessimistic right now.  Guys that I thought where representatives that  the love romantic, of the experience of just having one person in their heart, they were not the exception, even worse, maybe the most romantic ones, may be the most selfish ones as they only can see what it is in front of them when they are touching the clouds and they don’t see other people or the damage they can cause other people.

These existential questions, I would try to resolve in the upcoming years but at least what I know now.  Stay away  from the person who does not love you.   The person who never considered you a partner, that person who broke your heart when you were younger and then he did it again as a friend.  I would like to ask him that person in the future, what was about me that he couldn’t fall in love? my looks? being fat? not being feminine enough, why he thought to end up with me for six months and didn’t do it? and why he was attracted to me to the first place.

I would try to open two different posts, one about monogamy/polygamy and can people really be faithful. And the other one, was I tricked by these imaginary ideas of romantic love?  I have consumed my soul in something that it is not real, only to stay away from the real love.  We’ll see how it will go.  Maybe I would add another one regarding the luteal and follicular phase of a woman.