Love

Please, Do not get confused again.

| Saori3000

These last days have been very interesting.  Professionally, you have had to give two  presentations and one presentation in left in your annual meeting of shrinks.  Your friend, who has been the recent focus of the blog got very sick from hangover, your whole schedule of activities that you were going to do, it became a mess.

You took care of him seriously, you wanted him to feel better, but you had to admit that you also like his company and being able to massage his body.  It was sweet and it felt somehow that balanced your life a little bit.  He was very grateful and behave very nicely and sweet in the past few days, as he never been.  These are usually dangerous behaviors that can make you think of him from a different light.  The part of you, who dreams with the time that he would be yours, but that won’t happen and most likely it is not good for you.  He likes attention and he can never be yours.  He is always wants to fill his heart with women who are paying attention to you and physically, he has been very clear that you are not his type.

He likes his drama and after everything that happened, he is going back and forth from his recent ex to the old one.  He  does not set up good barriers with them.  As cute and nice, he can be, please do not get confused.  He does not like you, you have been in the most unusual tempting situations and DOES NOTHING.  Please get it, he is not interested in you. Just continue seeing him as a friend, and do not imagine crazy ideas, as you could see a future with him, that you would like to wake up every night with him, etc.  Anyway remember that in the past, he has never chosen you and never will.

Bye,

Dear blog diary.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Continue a friendship with recent wounds, I will try to let it flow, we’ll see how it goes.

| Saori3000

I am feeling ashamed of my non-stop repetition about this situation.  I fully understand that workmates and roommates can be the perfect subtract for disaster if things get too confusing.

I’m tired of the emotional rollicoster.  Feeling good, feeling bad, feeling disappointed, feeling hopeful and then finally exhausted.

I don’t know if we can live together. Technically, we should be able to do so.  We complement each other in many ways, but emotionally, it has been a disaster.  I take full responsibility from my part, if I had been more reserved, let things go unnoticed, we may still live in this bubble of appearances and everything would have been easier.  He cannot tolerate arguments, but I cannot stay quiet when I see so much injustice.

He is not a boyfriend material, he is not even the best male friend material that I thought he could be, especially if we are sharing a limited space.  He can be very selfish at times too.  I have enough with my issues to be carrying someone’s else.

I still care about him, wish him the best, but slowly and progressively he is killing my love for him. I meant the agape feeling.  Oh, me siento incomodo.  I don’t want to be arguing in one week.  What kind of husband would he be?  Unless the girl, just put up with his behavior, be “generous” and tries to make him constantly better; he would fall into this twister of emotions, especially guilt that he only feels bad about it, but don’t take full responsibility to change it.

I’m setting boundaries now.  He is not the guy, I thought he was.  I think he is cute and sensitive but I just cannot tolerate how the world moves around him in his mind, and he just shuts down and despite saying that certain comments make him feel guilty, at the end, the victim card is so frequent thrown at the deck. I shouldn’t be needing to comfort him every time. Even if I do it, he is not even grateful truly.  Time is one of my precious assets and he just takes it for granted.

First and Most Important Rule:  Do not see him whatever it happens in a romantic way.  It just does not work. It didn’t work when we were teenagers, it won’t work when we are at our 30’s.  Can he really love with eros, philia and agape?  I don’t know even know that.  He is still too immature for me.   I accept that he does many of the grown up things better than I do, but his ability to discuss ideas and feelings with a significant other, it is quite inadequate.  Or is just me who expects too much from men in terms of facing feelings and talking about them?  I could be the one who is trapped in a fantasy world.  I had been in the past and this wouldn’t be the first time.

I am going to eat to see if I can feel better… and then I may work or continue writing my thoughts and feelings in this blog.

 

Es Tan Poco – Mario Benedetti

| Saori3000

Lo que conoces
es tan poco
lo que conoces
de mí
lo que conoces
son mis nubes
son mis silencios
son mis gestos
lo que conoces
de mí
lo que conoces
es la tristeza
de mi casa vista de afuera
son los postigos de mi tristeza
el llamador de mi tristeza.

Pero no sabes
nada
a lo sumo
piensas a veces
que es tan poco
lo que conozco
lo que conozco
de ti
lo que conozco
o sea tus nubes
o tus silencios
o tus gestos
lo que conozco
es la tristeza
de tu casa vista de afuera
son los postigos de tu tristeza
el llamador de tu tristeza.
Pero no llamas.
Pero no llamo.