It’s almost 3pm and I cannot sleep. I talked to my friend who was my ex for a long time and one of the people who know me the best. I shout him my worst moments and very of the good ones. A very kind soul that I feel proud that I fell in love with him and I was able to have a relationship of at least 6 years. If I compared him with other guys that I met in my life, he would be the reincarnation of an angel haha. I decided to break up with him because his mother was awful and made me remember traumatic memories of my past. And also because I didn’t believe enough to go against his family because of me (not during that time) and also leave home and the country as I have travelled somewhere else to finish my studies.
He gave support in this rough moments when I am facing one of the greatest disappointments that I had in my life (that person does not imagine the damage that he has caused me or prefers not to know), maybe if i do something borderlinish like cutting my friends, attempting suicide he would understand how much sadness he has brought into my life and how it has affected even more my ability to trust other people.
But guess what? My dear ex friend, the 6yo long one. He has been engaged for 8 months and was planning to move with his girlfriend but he is doing residency at this time overseas (I had to admit that the first time I heard that he left the country, I felt upset because he always had said that he wouldn’t leave Colombia). But it was over quickly. He told me something that made me suspicious about it. And I asked him just in case because we have been getting closer and I don’t want my feelings to get confused and then the hx of this year would be chaotic from what really was.
I feel happy for him because he is so adorable that he deserves the best in the world and he really loved and made me feel loved during the time we were together or the few times that one reach the other for advice in a time I’d need. In a phone call, he could have greater understanding of my feelings that the person who was living with me. I tried to talk in a general way so I don’t create chaos, but I communicate some things because I thought if someone is able to help me to trust my ex-roommate more or recover the trust. He would be the person.
But your ex and the guy that you probably loved the most, in an authentic way, no only Eros and Philip but also agape(compassion, Worry about his wellbeing). It is kinda the actual end of an era that makes you open the eyes. I told him not to get married before my birthday hahaha it really wouldn’t help my existencial crisis and it is unavoidable to have bittersweet feelings, especially if you find out in that weird way.
At the end, I want the best for him. He is a good soul who deserves to have the job and be happy (including leaving the control from his mother).