I am feeling ashamed of my non-stop repetition about this situation. I fully understand that workmates and roommates can be the perfect subtract for disaster if things get too confusing.
I’m tired of the emotional rollicoster. Feeling good, feeling bad, feeling disappointed, feeling hopeful and then finally exhausted.
I don’t know if we can live together. Technically, we should be able to do so. We complement each other in many ways, but emotionally, it has been a disaster. I take full responsibility from my part, if I had been more reserved, let things go unnoticed, we may still live in this bubble of appearances and everything would have been easier. He cannot tolerate arguments, but I cannot stay quiet when I see so much injustice.
He is not a boyfriend material, he is not even the best male friend material that I thought he could be, especially if we are sharing a limited space. He can be very selfish at times too. I have enough with my issues to be carrying someone’s else.
I still care about him, wish him the best, but slowly and progressively he is killing my love for him. I meant the agape feeling. Oh, me siento incomodo. I don’t want to be arguing in one week. What kind of husband would he be? Unless the girl, just put up with his behavior, be “generous” and tries to make him constantly better; he would fall into this twister of emotions, especially guilt that he only feels bad about it, but don’t take full responsibility to change it.
I’m setting boundaries now. He is not the guy, I thought he was. I think he is cute and sensitive but I just cannot tolerate how the world moves around him in his mind, and he just shuts down and despite saying that certain comments make him feel guilty, at the end, the victim card is so frequent thrown at the deck. I shouldn’t be needing to comfort him every time. Even if I do it, he is not even grateful truly. Time is one of my precious assets and he just takes it for granted.
First and Most Important Rule: Do not see him whatever it happens in a romantic way. It just does not work. It didn’t work when we were teenagers, it won’t work when we are at our 30’s. Can he really love with eros, philia and agape? I don’t know even know that. He is still too immature for me. I accept that he does many of the grown up things better than I do, but his ability to discuss ideas and feelings with a significant other, it is quite inadequate. Or is just me who expects too much from men in terms of facing feelings and talking about them? I could be the one who is trapped in a fantasy world. I had been in the past and this wouldn’t be the first time.
I am going to eat to see if I can feel better… and then I may work or continue writing my thoughts and feelings in this blog.